As Long as it's Beautiful
by Rosage
Summary: Jill's dreams of becoming a wyvern knight are dashed when her father gives her her mother's pegasus to ride. As her expectations for her future unravel, she finds that comfort comes from the most unexpected places. Jill/Mist


A/N: Thanks to ancazur for the beta! This is a rewrite of something originally written for a prompt measuringlife gave me on femmeslash day for pegasus rider!Jill, but the rewrite was extensive enough that I'm posting it on its own rather than in the Breathe my Air collection. The title and opening quote come from the anime Simoun's opening theme.

_I stopped making promises with the future  
__Because even if I try to run far away from pain  
__Look, the chill wind is shaking my hair  
__Where should I search for the answer?_

- Chiaki Ishikawa

Jill's jaw went slack as she stared at the pegasus. Only moments ago, she'd leapt out of bed and shoved her father outside, thinking, from the gleam in his eye, that her very own wyvern would be there waiting for her. She'd stopped in her tracks when she'd looked ahead and seen…that tethered to the fence instead.

The pegasus was grazing on fresh spring grass. It glanced up at Jill before turning away to preen.

From beside her, her father coughed. "Well?"

Jill's forehead wrinkled. "Is it…for me?"

He nodded. She opened her mouth, saw the sheen in his eye, and closed it.

"Thanks," she muttered. She knew her disappointment showed. She'd always worn her heart on her sleeve, as Haar often teased.

Her father's mouth twisted. "You're wondering why I gave it to you?" Jill nodded, biting her lip and bracing herself for a rebuke. She must have disappointed him somehow if he saw fit to give her a measly pegasus.

She stared at the grass. When she looked up, her face was planted in his chest. A strong arm held her there.

She was too confused to put her arms around him in return. When he pulled away, his eyes were full of things she didn't understand. "Your mother was a great pegasus knight," he told her.

"Really?"

He closed his eyes and nodded. "There truly was nothing more beautiful than when she took to the sky. She didn't just have grace, she had strength and conviction."

Jill scratched her ankle with her boot. "But that was in Begnion. I'm a soldier of Daein."

"That's true," he said, "And I know it's not what you wanted, but humor an old man and accept it."

Jill wasn't used to humoring anyone, but living through Daein's winters had taught her to accept her lot without complaint, and besides, she wanted nothing more than to please him. With a knot in the pit of her stomach, she took the reins he handed her.

xxxxxxx

Jill had imagined the stares she'd get when she went into camp a hundred times, but she still wasn't prepared for the laughter that met her story.

She clenched her fists. A comrade clapped her on the shoulder. "So you're stuck with this old thing, eh?"

She nodded wearily. Her pegasus tossed its head and snorted.

"Your old man's a reasonable guy. I'm sure he'll let you get rid of it after a while."

Thinking back to the look on her father's face, Jill doubted that was true. But for her own sake, she hoped it was.

xxxxxxx

Jill's boots slid against slush as she ran up the path toward her house. Panting, she shoved the door open with a shaky wrist.

"Take it back," she shouted. "I don't want it anymore."

Her father looked up from his documents. Hiding her face, Jill waited to hear him scold her ungratefulness. Instead, she heard a sigh and the scratch of a chair moving before his footsteps stopped in front of her.

"Is it that bad?" he asked.

Jill looked at him through blurry eyes. "It's awful. At first they just laughed, but last week they called me pansy and refused to spar with me. And today someone said that Daein doesn't need dirty foreigners like us. Father, we aren't foreigners, are we?"

He rubbed her shoulder. "You're not," he said. "I am." She stared. He smiled thinly and closed his eyes. "I've been saving that pegasus for you since your mother died. It was her wish that you ride it, but I'm sure she'd never want you to face hardship for it."

Jill didn't know what to say. She'd never thought about her mother having dreams for her, or about her at all, really. It had always been her and her father, plus Mr. Haar whenever they needed help.

Her father looked out the window. Snow had begun to fall. "We sold almost everything when we moved. That pegasus is one of the few things of hers I have left. I don't want to have to sell it, but…"

"I'll keep it!" Jill said. "I'm sorry, I, I didn't…"

He hugged her for the first time since her birthday. She almost pulled away, but the scent of pine and coal made her want to bury her face in him. She settled for staying still.

"Thank you," he said. Her arms hung at her sides for several moments before she wrapped an arm around his waist.

xxxxxxx

Knowing about her father's attachment to the pegasus didn't make her feel better. If anything, it was worse now that she knew she was stuck with it.

Knowing that moping wouldn't change anything, she trained with new resolve until she was assigned to active duty. Her mission was to help punish Crimea for its tolerance of sub-humans, and she looked forward to it with relish.

When she was ordered to retreat before achieving anything, she took wing and chased after the Crimeans' ship. Jeers from men of her youth seated around campfires followed her through the air. She shook them away. Now that she had only herself and her pegasus to rely on, nobody could doubt her worth if she returned victorious.

And if she didn't…

Maybe it's just as well, she thought, but she didn't let herself acknowledge that.

xxxxxxx

Jill rolled over on her stomach and wished the cot hadn't been so blamed comfortable. No Crimean ship should give her comfort, let alone one filled with sub-humans, but though the boat rocked and the cot smelled of mold, it was the first real rest she'd had in days. She'd even had a full meal, thanks to the girl who'd insisted on shoving it into her hands.

Still, she'd have given it up in an instant if she could get off this ship. She might even have been willing to fly home. She would receive the worst type of dishonor, but surely she couldn't sink further than she already had.

She hugged her knees to her chest. It's all the pegasus's fault I'm in this situation, she thought. If only I had a wyvern, I could make it to shore. If only it wasn't that blasted pegasus.

Admittedly, she didn't think any mount could make the trip. But it was easier to pin the blame elsewhere, and the pegasus was all she had left.

xxxxxxx

All Jill knew about Begnion was that her family and the pegasus came from there and that the other soldiers didn't like it. That was enough to make her hate it. However, when she stepped off the ship and stretched her wobbly legs, the port city's crowds provided a welcome distraction.

Used to simple villages and physical labor, Jill found Begnion 's cathedrals and mercantile lifestyle overwhelming. The pomp and ceremony of the upper classes disgusted her. She held her tongue when Ike expressed the same thought. She'd decided to stay with the Crimeans, but that didn't mean they wanted to commiserate with her.

The Holy Guard lent her a stall in their stables. She usually tended her pegasus as little as possible, but now she spent long hours there as an excuse to avoid the mercenaries during their weeks of leisure. Walking into the stable gave her an odd twinge. Her pegasus stood in a row of its own kind, as if it had been with them all along. It was different from Daein, where she'd slinked away to get her pegasus from the stable Haar built while the other soldiers all walked together, shoving each other and laughing, toward their wyverns.

Jill sighed as she struggled to brush her pegasus. It wasn't enough that it had caused so much grief; it stank, and despite being well trained, it was ill mannered when idle. She was about to give up when she heard a voice behind her.

"Oh, what a pretty mane! Can I touch it?"

By now, Jill was used to Mist popping in on her. How Mist could think such a snarled mess was pretty was beyond Jill, but then, she'd never understood what went on in Mist's mind during any of the times the girl had come to her with bowls of soup and idle chatter. No matter how much Jill kept to herself, Mist always found her one way or another.

Oh, well. There was nothing Jill could do to shake her off, and besides, she wasn't sure she wanted to. She tugged the brush out of her pegasus's mane and stepped back. "Sure, but be careful. He's a finicky beast. Touch him wrong and he'll gobble you like a carrot."

"Really?"

"Well, maybe. More likely he'll just whine." The pegasus snorted. Jill wrinkled her nose. "Like that."

Mist giggled and stroked the pegasus. Jill looked on with wonder as it nuzzled her hand. "Aw, what a sweetie," Mist said. The pegasus licked her face. She squealed. "I have no idea why your meanie owner doesn't like you!"

"Probably because I'm a meanie," Jill said. She couldn't help sounding sullen. Seeing Mist and the pegasus take to each other so quickly made her feel like she was missing something.

She regretted speaking when Mist's smile disappeared. "Aw, Jill, you know I didn't mean it like that."

"I know. It's not you. It's just…"

"Just what?"

Jill would have said to forget it, but her experience with Mist told her that would be a waste of time. She turned away from Mist and laid a hand on the pegasus's back. "Well, I really don't like this pegasus, but that's because I always got made fun of for it."

"For a pegasus? How come?"

Jill took a deep breath. "My parents were from Begnion. This pegasus…" She stopped. That was deeper than she wanted to go. "Well, the important thing is that it's not what Daein soldiers ride. All the guys had wyverns, and I was stuck with this."

"What's wrong with that?"

"It was different, so it made me a target. They left me out of activities and said things behind my back."

"That's awful."

Jill shrugged. "It happens. I mean, I hated it, but there was nothing I could do."

"But that's terrible of them! How could they treat you that way?"

Surprised by the force of Mist's voice, Jill turned back and saw that her fists were clenched. Jill rubbed her own arm. "I…it is that strange?"

"Of course! They were your friends, weren't they? They should be supportive, not cruel." Mist brought her hands up to her chest. Her eyes lost their anger as she cast them down. "Oh, Jill, is this why you're always surprised when I'm nice to you?"

Jill's cheeks felt oddly hot. She shifted her gaze away. "No, that's …that's different. But those guys…well, they were my comrades in arms. We had to rely on each other to pull through a fight, not to play nice."

It came out harsher than she'd meant. For a moment Jill worried Mist would cry, but the girl only placed her hands on her hips.

"Well I think people should support others. My family has our differences, but we still get along."

"It's different when you're in Daein. They teach us all to act alike, and if you don't, you're an outcast."

Mist shoulders dropped. "That sounds really rough."

"I guess…but it's all I've ever known."

They both fell quiet. Mist stared at the pegasus. Jill stared at the ground.

"I really do think he's a nice pegasus," Mist said. She stroked the animal's snout. It went docile under her touch. "Hey, do you mind if I ride him sometime?"

"It's all right with me, but you've never flown before, have you?"

"No, but you could teach me! Um, if you didn't mind."

Jill shook her head. "Just hang on tight. I don't want you to fall."

"Okay! Do you hear that, boy? We're gonna fly together."

Jill watched Mist hold the pegasus's head and coo. It was a marvel to her how much emotion the girl could cycle through in such a short time. Smiling, she shook her head. If Haar thought her poker face was bad, she couldn't imagine what he'd think of Mist.

xxxxxxx

Jill stared at the ground without seeing it. She'd promised Mist they'd go flying later that day, and her nervous energy had carried her out of her room and into the courtyard. She didn't understand it. After all that had happened, a flight seemed like such a simple thing, but she couldn't push it out of her mind.

She raised her head at the sound of voices. The group of women walking toward her walked in a line as straight as the lances they held. Jill scrambled out of their way. One of them paused in front of her.

"Excuse me, but are you lady Jill?"

The woman's smile had a different kind of pleasantness about it than Mist's—serene rather than cheerful—but it caught Jill off guard in the same way. Not quite the same way, she thought. My face isn't warm.

She shook that thought away. "Uh…yeah, that's me."

"My name is Sigrun. I've wanted to extend my regards to you. Your mother's name was Elaice, was it not?"

"I…how do you know my mother?"

"I served under her many years ago. She was quite the inspiration for me."

"My mother was a commander?" Jill looked at Sigrun with awe. She hadn't pictured her mother as a leader, nor had she imagined the straight backs of the unit that stood behind Sigrun every time she'd heard Begnion ridiculed.

"Yes, and quite an accomplished one. I believe it was her prowess that first caught your father's eye. He was quite esteemed for his abilities as well, you see." Sigrun glanced back at the row of knights before nodding at Jill. "If you'll excuse me…"

Long after the troop had left, Jill stayed in the courtyard. She laid a hand on a pillar and wondered if her father had touched it, if he'd stood there and watched her mother lead her knights through with her head held high. She pictured him stopping her to talk about duty and honor, to exchange stories of hapless recruits, to commend the other's loyalty.

Her grin faded as she remembered the laguz hunts her father had sent her on. For the first time, she wondered what her mother would have thought.

xxxxxxx

The wind battering Jill's cheeks refreshed her. It was just as well; her face had felt hot the entire ride, and she'd thought maybe she'd caught some foreign bug. Other countries weren't made of such solid stock as native Daeins, she'd once heard a soldier say. Of course, it had been a barb at her.

She scoffed. I'd like to see them lead a group as orderly as Captain Sigrun, or make a meatloaf half as good as Mist's. The thought startled her. Since when did she disagree with them?

It didn't confuse her as much as she would have expected. Something that might have been Mist's nose pressed between her shoulder blades, reminding her she had new ideals to defend. Mist's hold around her had felt strange at first—soldiers weren't used to carrying passengers, and certainly not to hugs—but when the phantoms chasing her caught up, Mist's grip helped keep her steady.

She'd never known being held could do that. Her father's rare embrace had left her feeling less sure, not more.

They landed smoothly. The pegasus might have been fussy, but it responded quickly to commands. Jill had once used that fact to reassure herself of her skill, but she realized now how arrogant that was. She hadn't trained it—her mother had.

She dismounted before helping Mist down. Mist stumbled, grabbing Jill's elbow as she caught her. She looked queasy, and a frown tugged at her mouth. Jill felt foolish for being disappointed. What had she expected? For Mist to clasp her hands together and tell her how amazing it'd been?

"Are you okay?" Jill asked.

"I'm fine. It's just weird being on ground again," Mist said. She shook out her knees. The movement drew Jill's eye, making her aware that they were still gripping each other's arms.

It was odd. They'd been closer than this the entire ride, but it was different when they were facing each other. It reminded Jill that this was Mist and not just some comforting pressure against her. Sudden heat ran down her body. She wondered if it was enough to melt her so she could hide as a puddle inside her boots.

Mist shook her head and smiled. Jill's mouth went dry. "Sorry about that. I think I'm good now," Mist said. Jill stared dumbly for a moment before realizing that Mist expected her to let go. She would have—she wanted to—she didn't want to—but her limbs had turned to lead. If Mist had just let go, Jill could have, too, but Mist kept her fingers wrapped around Jill's elbow and cocked her head with a frown.

"Are you okay?" Mist asked.

Jill swallowed. "Yeah. Uh…how was the flight?"

Mist grinned. "It was great! I felt just like a bird. And the wind rushing past…it was really exciting."

Jill felt as pleased as she had when her father praised her flying, though that emotion had been simple, innocent. This was irrational, pulsing, warm, and as terrifyingly unpredictable as a first flight.

Mist lowered her eyes. Jill told herself she was only imagining the girl's blush.

"Um, so…" Mist said.

One thought pounded at the center of Jill's mind. She's going to ask me to let go of her now. I should let go.

Mist's thumbs pressed Jill's elbow hard enough to hurt. "It let me forget everything for a little while, so…thank you," she said.

When Mist's face rushed toward her, Jill almost jerked back. It was a good thing her soldier's training told her not to flinch, because Mist's lips were the softest thing she'd ever felt.

xxxxxxx

Jill blinked away the light and yawned. Waking up to the sun was new to her. In Daein, she'd woken before dawn with the rest of the soldiers.

She'd be back to that schedule before long. Ike had just been knighted, and the time where Jill had to choose a side approached. She found it wasn't a choice. The herons' song had taken the decision out of her hands.

She shivered at the memory. Light drew itself to the herons, glinting in their hair like sunlight on snow, and Jill wouldn't have been able to draw her eyes away if it weren't for the other sights bursting around her—vines crawling up trunks of trees, withered branches sprouting buds that instantly became leaves, flowers poking up from once-dry ground. Mist had picked one and placed it in her hair before offering its twin to Jill. Jill shook her head wordlessly and stepped away. Mist's hurt look had pained her, but she couldn't find it in her to explain how filthy she felt.

She, who had only ever taken life away, had had the nerve to call these beings that created it sub-human. Worst still, her father had made her that way—molded her that way. Why? Why had he turned her into a killer? Never before had she doubted him. She didn't know who to look to now that she did.

Mist had sought her out that evening, but Jill was no better at explaining the problem then and acted brusque. Rather than backing away, Mist had simply plopped down on Jill's cot and said she'd stay to keep whatever bad dreams Jill had away.

Jill propped herself up and looked down at the brown head of hair mussing itself against her pillow. So good things do come from that pegasus after all, she thought.

Mist made a small sound and burrowed into the pillow before rising. As the cots weren't made for two, she almost rolled off before Jill caught her. It'll be easier once we're in tents, Jill thought, before flushing at her assumption that this would be a regular arrangement.

Mist leaned on Jill's shoulder and yawned. "Mornin'."

"Morning," Jill said, holding her stiffly so she wouldn't fall.

Mist peered up at her. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

She stretched a leg across Jill's lap. The pressure warmed her thigh. "You don't look fine," Mist said.

"I'm just tired."

Mist gave her a sharp look. Jill had the urge to spill everything, but it was too much right now. Still, the pressure in her chest had built to the point that she couldn't go without relieving some of it.

"It's just that we're going to march on Daein soon," she said.

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

"I'm going to fight, of course. For my new beliefs, not my old ones."

Mist gripped her hand. "But your friends will be in Daein…"

"That's true, but…I have new ones," Jill said. She looked at Mist fondly. "It's too bad about everyone else, but they've made their choice, and I've made mine." She stared into her lap, looking absently at the bared knee laying across it. Mist startled her by seizing her chin, forcing her to meet an intense gaze.

"But they're your friends! And your family's there, and your father, too. You can't fight them. I won't allow it. It…it would be too sad." Mist's eyes dropped. Her hand was fisted in her skirt. Jill gave it a clumsy pat.

"Mist…I-I don't want to fight them, but I might not have a choice. I'm a soldier, and I have to stay true to my convictions."

"But…" Mist bit her lip. She didn't seem to have any more arguments. Jill was glad. She knew Mist wasn't the type to let something go, but there was nothing that could be done.

A neigh prompted Jill to look out the window, where she saw that the pegasus knights had started their drills. For a brief instant, Jill fancied joining them.

"You know," she said, "Maybe it's better this way. Maybe I wasn't meant to…fit in there."

"Jill?"

She shook her head. It would have been so much easier if she could sever her ties to her family, could paint them with the same brush she'd once painted the Crimeans, but she couldn't bring herself to consider Daein the enemy. Her friends had taught her to defend herself and find food. Even when she was teased, she'd huddled with them around the fire and sung songs about generals she idolized. She'd fixed fences with Haar, thrown snowballs at him when he fell asleep half way through, heard her father's laughter when he came home to the sight.

She couldn't forget all of that—and she didn't want to. She was past fooling herself. Whatever lay ahead, she'd face it with her head held high—not so she could look down on others, but so that she could see what stood in front of her. She owed her father that much.

xxxxxxx

Her pegasus lifted its head when she entered the stable. Instead of turning away as usual, it trotted toward her. Jill grinned. "We're finally starting to like each other, huh?" she said. The pegasus responded by brushing past her and shoving its snout at Mist.

Mist giggled when its nose brushed her cheek, then glanced at Jill and put a hand over her mouth. Her smile peaked out from behind her fingers. "Sorry. I must just seem new and exciting."

Jill crossed her arms. "No, he just likes you better. Can't say I blame him," she said.

Mist's smile disappeared. She dropped her hand. "Jill, when are you going to stop—"

Jill shook her head. "It was a compliment, silly." She uncrossed her arms and laid a hand on her pegasus's neck. It eyed her before shaking its mane out and prodding Mist's shoulder.

They stood there for a while without speaking. Soon, they would have to suit up and head out, but General Ike was still squaring things away with some commander or other. Jill had never paid much attention to that type of thing. A soldier knew their superiors and sung their praises, but there was no need to know what went on behind the scenes.

Mist stretched her arms over her head. "I hope Ike calls us to move out soon."

Jill raised her eyebrows. "Really? I would've guessed you'd want to put off marching as long as possible."

Mist's hair flapped around her face as she shook her head. "No way. I am so sick of this place. I don't care if I have to march all the way up a mountain, I'd rather be out moving than just sitting around."

"I didn't realize you hated Begnion that much."

"Well, some parts are nice, but it's just so boring," Mist said.

"I kind of like it," Jill admitted. "Sure, it's not perfect, but the leaders seem honorable and well-respected."

"I guess that's true."

A knight entered the stables. Jill watched her lead a pegasus out into the pastures. I don't belong here, either, she reminded herself. She leaned her head against a beam.

"To be honest, I was determined to hate this place," she said. "I thought that it was the only thing keeping me from being a true soldier of Daein." She turned away. The wood was rough against her cheek. "But I was wrong. It's like everything else. I couldn't cling to my beliefs."

Mist petted Jill's arm. "You just didn't know. You didn't get a chance to. That's not your fault."

Jill sighed. "I guess so, but…it doesn't make things any less hard."

Mist rested her head against Jill's shoulder. Jill stiffened but didn't pull away. She stood in silence, listening to the neighs and grunts of her pegasus. If she closed her eyes, she couldn't distinguish them from those of the others.

"Hey," Mist said, "Remind me why you got this? Didn't you say most soldiers got wyverns?"

Jill dragged her fingers through the animal's feathers. "Yeah, but my mother was a pegasus knight, and father kept it for her after she died. He said she'd wanted me to ride it."

She was surprised to find herself choking up. To her relief, Mist didn't respond with pity. Instead, a cry of "Aww!" caught Jill off guard.

"Aww what?"

Mist twisted her head up toward Jill and smiled. "That your mom rode it. That's so sweet."

"Sweet?" Jill wrinkled her brow. "I…hadn't thought of it that way. A pegasus is something you use in battle. It's not supposed to be sweet."

"But it is! It was a present from your dad. And besides, an animal isn't like a piece of armor, you know." Mist scratched the pegasus behind the ear. He leaned into her hand and stretched his wings. Jill watched, lost in thought, until she realized Mist was frowning.

"Is something wrong, Mist?"

Mist shook her head too quickly. "No! It's all really great. I mean, your dad carried out your mom's wish, and now you get to be just like her." Her hand gripped the fabric at her chest. Her smile looked strained.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Jill asked.

"Mhmm." Mist closed her eyes. Jill thought about reaching out, as Mist would have, but her arms remained at her side. Mist glanced at her. "Really, I'm fine. It's just special, that's all."

"If you say so."

After a moment, Mist linked her arms around Jill's elbow and leaned against her. "Your dad must have loved your mom a lot."

"Loved?" Jill remembered the softness she'd seen in his eyes when he'd talked about her. Had he missed her after she died? Jill had never thought about it.

"Yeah. And you. He must really love you."

Mist's squeeze on Jill's arm hurt. She was glad for it. Without that pressure to focus on, she didn't know if she could hold her tears down.

"I…" I don't think that's true, she wanted to say. He'd taught her to hate, he'd taught her to kill, and yet he hadn't taught her anything at all. Not like she'd learned since she'd left.

He never really loved me. It would have been so much easier if she could keep thinking that, but she couldn't forget his arms around her. He didn't have Mist's softness, but he'd been strong, solid, and smothered in the scents she'd always come home to.

Jill swallowed. "I think you're right," she said, before hiding her tears in Mist's hair.


End file.
